


the fizzcourse

by kindergraph



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Post-Sburb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 17:30:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8676382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kindergraph/pseuds/kindergraph
Summary: three kids from vastly different parts of the continental united states argue over what to call a soft drink.





	

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by [this post by frantastically](http://frantastically.tumblr.com/post/149340511636/frantastically-john-and-dave-and-rose-are-all) on tumblr.

JOHN: ok well first things first.  
JOHN: we have to make sure every body is set up with food and drinks before we leave.  
JADE: dont worry!! i got it taken care of :)  
JADE: me and jane set up a self-sustaining vegetable garden and a fruit orchard  
JADE: all the chess guys have to do is harvest when theyre ready!  
JOHN: ok, i guess that is fine.  
DAVE: what about snacks  
JOHN: what about them?  
DAVE: i mean im not trying to rag on the value of some good old fashioned apple juice or anything god knows thats as good a pick em up as any  
DAVE: but you KNOW im not gonna leave my boy the mayor with a scarcity of mad snax yo what kind of benevolent all-father would i be if i didnt give my people their fucking dorites  
JADE: the mayor doesnt need snacks dave!!!! he eats grass i have seen him do it  
JOHN: no, dave has a point.  
JOHN: i don't think we have the resources to manufacture snacks though.  
JOHN: does any body have the captcha codes for some snacks?  
DIRK: What kind of snacks.  
JOHN: i don't know, anything you think people might need for five thousand years?  
JOHN: like, chips or pop or something.  
DAVE: ok im gonna stop this conversation right here  
DAVE: take our pleasant little family sedan on a detour off the highway to genesis  
DAVE: on account of the fact that john egbert just called it "pop"  
JOHN: what? what else am i supposed to call it?  
ROSE: You call it "soda", John, like an adult.  
JOHN: soda pop.  
ROSE: Just soda.  
JOHN: no! i have called it pop my whole life and so has my dad and so did my nanna before him!  
JOHN: and i'm god now so that means i get to decide what we call things, and we call it pop.  
DAVE: im also god and youre full of shit  
ROSE: Soda is the American English standard, John. I know it hurts. But times have changed.  
ROSE: It's not 1812 any more, and we aren't drinking cocaine-infused sugar water from the pharmacy fountain.  
JOHN: ok that is bull shit and i will prove it to you right now.  
JOHN: jake what do you call a carbonated beverage?  
JAKE: Tensions seem to be running high here im not sure i want to throw my hat into this particular ring.  
DAVE: just tell us what you call it grandpa  
JAKE: Uh... fizzy water?  
DAVE: oh christ that is adorable  
JOHN: you see rose, teen old people dont call it pop.  
JOHN: i am just as cool and contemporary as the rest of you, with my fashionable tennis shoes and my knowledge of the inner workings of the known universe.  
DAVE: well thats not true but not for that reason  
DAVE: youre both wrong  
ROSE: A silence descends upon the room. Dave Strider descends from Mount Sinai, bearing the word of God carved in stone.  
DAVE: shut up  
DAVE: anyway  
DAVE: its literally just called coke  
JOHN: ha ha, no.  
ROSE: Absolutely not.  
DAVE: fuck you i dare you to tell me why im wrong  
JOHN: did you not have pepsi in texas?  
DAVE: of course we do its a kind of coke  
JADE: i... am honestly not sure what were talking about???  
JADE: dave what are we arguing over  
DAVE: its called coke its a drink that hurts when you drink it  
JADE: what  
DIRK: I have some, actually.  
JADE: what  
DAVE: what  
DIRK: In my sylladex. I just... used to hoard the shit, for some reason, and never got around to disposing of any of it.  
DIRK: You can have some. I think it's still good. I don't think anything spoils in the sylladex.  
JADE: yes i used to keep fruits in mine they are airtight and vacuum-sealed  
JADE: what is this. why is it so... orange  
DIRK: This one is uh, Mountain Dew® Live Wire™.  
JADE: oh  
JADE: oh wow  
DIRK: It's orange flavor.  
JADE: yeah, that.... thats not what this is  
JADE: oof  
DAVE: yeah mountain dew is basically just dense liquid sugar with the faintest afterthought of a fruit-like substance  
DAVE: a memory of fruit  
DAVE: half-forgotten drifting in your subconscious like the warmth of your fathers embrace before he went to war  
DAVE: mountain dew: recollection of citrus  
DAVE: it is also  
DAVE: coke  
JOHN: there is basically no way you are not pulling my leg right now.  
DAVE: sorry egbert  
DAVE: thems the breaks  
DAVE: in the heart of real america where the blue collar man works hard for him and his  
DAVE: at the end of a long hard day at the capitalism factory he settles down at the bar and orders a nice cold coke  
DAVE: what are you john some kind of liberal  
JOHN: what do you order if you want pepsi.  
DAVE: you order a coke and the waiter says what kind and you say pepsi  
ROSE: That is... unbelievably counterintuitive and unnecessarily confusing.  
DAVE: oh what the fuck like theyre not gonna ask you to clarify if you order a soda  
ROSE: What if I want a coke?  
DAVE: what kind of coke  
JOHN: see thats what we are saying!!!! this is ridiculous!  
JADE: my mouth still tastes like spicy dirt  
DAVE: if you want the stuff that comes in the red can when they ask what kind of coke you want just say coke  
ROSE: That's even worse.  
JOHN: dave i hate to be the one to break it to you but it sounds like texas blows.  
DAVE: man fuck you both dirk will back me up  
DAVE: dirk tell these fuckin yankees about coke  
DIRK: I grew up alone on a tower in the middle of the ocean.  
DAVE: ok scratch that  
DAVE: how about you two  
DAVE: the mom squad has been awfully quiet  
DAVE: whats up is this hot button issue too much for you  
ROSE: Please stop talking to our mother about hot buttons.  
DAVE: fuck off that wasnt even a weird thing i said until you had to go and make it weird  
JANE: Well, it's definitely not Coke.  
JOHN: ha ha, yes!  
DAVE: ok forget i asked that actually how about you rox  
ROXY: honestly i am just out here having a good time watching yall rip each others heads off about it :3c  
DAVE: cmon i need you to be the tie breaker  
DAVE: mom  
ROSE: Dave.  
ROXY: hhhooonnneeesssttlllyyy.........  
ROXY: i guess if u held a gun to my head or smth over it  
ROXY: which would make u the pettiest and most fuckin terrifyingly competent assassin slash soft drink enthusiast ever  
ROXY: i guess i would call it........................... soda  
ROXY: not like i got a vested interest in it or anything tho!!! thats just the first thing that comes 2 mind  
ROSE: Would you look at that. The discussion is settled.  
DAVE: wow i cant believe i dont have a mother  
DAVE: just a traitorous broad with whom i happen to share some dna  
ROXY: tbh  
ROXY: that scenario u laid out with the waiter  
ROXY: sounds like the worst fuckin thing i ever heard get said  
DAVE: WOW  
JANE: It's just not effective communication, Dave.  
DAVE: jade youre my last hope  
DAVE: school these fools  
DAVE: youre on my side arent you harley  
JADE: i dont care what its called, its gross, i never want it in my mouth again  
DAVE: thats completely fair  
ROSE: So we are in agreement that on Earth C, the standardized slang for soft drinks is "soda".  
JOHN: i think you are forgetting some body!  
JOHN: or rather, some bodies.  
JOHN: we are being unfairly human-centric in this discussion. what do the trolls call pop?  
JOHN: i mean soda. i GUESS.  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ALMIGHTY TOOLS ARE TALKING ABOUT.  
KARKAT: I HAVE BEEN PRESENT FOR THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION, AND YET, SOMEHOW, EVERY WORD HAS GONE IN ONE AUDIAL APERTURE AND OUT THE OTHER, AS THOUGH SLITHERING THROUGH THE CREVICES OF MY THINK PAN, JUST BARELY MISSING EACH OPPORTUNITY TO FORM ANY KIND OF IMPRESSION ON MY PSYCHE WHATSOEVER.  
KARKAT: IT'S SOME HOOFBEAST SHIT IS WHAT SOUNDS LIKE. MEANINGLESS GARBAGE FROM A DEAD PLANET, THE EXTINCTION OF WHICH HAS LEFT US ALL THE BETTER.  
DAVE: were talking about coke gaylord  
KARKAT: NOW SEE, I GOT THAT, BUT I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT THE FUCK THAT ACTUALLY IS.  
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1T'S L1K3 TH3 HUM4N V3RS1ON OF 4 S3LTZ3R L1B4T1ION  
KARKAT: OH. OF COURSE! NOW EVERYTHING IS CRYSTAL CLEAR TO ME.  
KARKAT: OR IT WOULD HAVE BEEN, IF TEREZI HAD USED THE PROPER ALTERNIAN WORD FOR THE SUBSTANCE, WHICH ANY WIGGLER FRESH OUT OF THE BROODING CAVERNS CAN TELL YOU IS FUCKING POTABLE SIBILANCE.  
KANAYA: Where Im From We Always Called It An Antisoporific  
DAVE: oh my god


End file.
